Reflection
by Lotta Devon
Summary: Matt deserves someone better. Someone who isn't me.


Matt deserves someone better than me. He really does. I'm not saying I treat him like shit, because I don't. I never have and I never will. I know when to stop. But I'm definitely not the easiest person to get along with; even I can admit that. Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me and… well, let's just say my emotions aren't always that positive. And when I get angry I end up taking it out on him. Biting comments, cutting him down, criticising him. Often I start yelling, hurling insults at him for all I'm worth. I shouldn't, but I do.

Do my words hurt him? More than likely. But that's the thing about Matt. He doesn't show it. The guy is like a fucking machine sometimes. Everything just rolls off him. He doesn't give a shit. He just sits there and takes it, staring me down, waiting til I've finished. And then he'll make a sarcastic comment in a bored tone. Something like, "Calm your tits, princess."

And no doubt that will start me off again, and he just shrugs and pays more attention to his games consoles than to me. Because that's just Matt's way. Mail 'I give no fucks' Jeevas.

Very rarely will I actually resort to physical violence. It has happened a few times. And believe me, I hate myself for it. I'll go too far and end up taking my fists to his face or my knee to his stomach. That is always when he retaliates with equal violence. And he is stronger than me.

So when we do fight it always ends with me in the kitchen of our shabby apartment clutching an ice pack to my bruised and swollen nose, blood dripping down my chin. And I'm angry at myself for hitting him and angry at him for hitting me and then he'll saunter casually in and lean against the counter and shoot me a triumphant smirk.

"You got something on your face, princess."

It ends in laughter. It always does.

Though I still insist that he deserves someone better. Someone whose temper doesn't flare up more often than not. Someone who won't shout at him how much of a lazy, arrogant asshole he is. Someone who won't hit him. Someone who isn't me.

I tell him this sometimes. When it's three am and it's dark and cold and we've just fucked. I lie sprawled across him with our legs tangled together and my chin sharp against his shoulder.

"You should leave me, you know," I say.

He grunts slightly and it sounds like he's agreeing with me. So I raise my head and look at him, because even though I was the one to say it I would break if he left me.

"Mels, you are a bastard," he replies, "But you are my bastard."

And we fall asleep with our chests pressed together so we can feel one another's heartbeats, out of time.

Yes, that's what I love the most about Matt. When he says I am his. Which is funny, really. Because I am Mello. I am M. Successor of L, certified badass, ruthless killer with the mafia under his thumb. But without Matt I would be nothing.

Yes, I love Matt for making me his. Followed by his incomparable loyalty. And his intelligence. They guy is a fucking genius. He could have easily surpassed both me and Near if he'd wanted to. Seriously, if his brain had a body of its own I would shag it hard against a wall, and then shag him too.

I love that he is lazy and sarcastic. I love that he is a complete dork. I love when he completes a new video game and he pulls those dumb goggles away from his eyes and his whole face lights up with this goofy grin. I love how I can arrive home well past midnight and he'll be sitting up waiting, surrounded by computer screens and booze and Chinese takeaway.

And did I mention how fucking attractive he is? Because holy shit, he is an Adonis. He's thin, though not as thin as me. He has more muscle. I mean, those shoulders. And he has virtually no arse, so his jeans barely hang on with the presence of a belt and I do appreciate that sight. Matt is goddamn sexy, and I challenge anyone to defy that.

But he's also beautiful. And yeah, I may sound like some soppy, romantic girl with that but I couldn't care less, because to me Matt is astoundingly beautiful. Like when I wake in the morning and watch him while he sleeps. I can pick out each eyelash. I can count the faint freckles that dust his nose. His lips, parted slightly, are chapped. This close I can see where the brown roots of his hair are showing. And the sun lights up the room because the blinds are broken and no one has bothered to fix them, so the light illuminates his face and he stirs and squints at me, his nose scrunched up.

"You're gorgeous," I whisper, and he grumbles about having woken up and nestles up against me with his lips pressed against my neck.

I love Matt. I love him more than I've ever loved anything. It seems quite brutal to say it but in many ways I am glad my parents died and I was carted halfway across the globe. Because even though my world was turned upside down, that was how I found Matt. And despite all the shit that has happened to me – and will no doubt continue to happen until the day I die – it is somehow all okay because I've got Matt.

Though maybe even if we weren't orphaned we'd still have met. Who knows? I've heard some saying before about how there are certain people in the world who you are connected to with red string. And that no matter how tangled and knotted that string gets, no matter how far you stretch, it will never break. You are bound to that person. Which is sentimental bullshit, I know, but I entertain the notion sometimes. I am joined to Matt, in heart and soul.

Maybe if we'd met under different circumstances then our relationship would be different. We'd go on dates and romantic holidays and get married and grow old together. But when you lead a life like ours there is no real consideration for things like that. We both know that any day one of us could just not come home. And the other would go batshit fucking insane and rampage around trying to find out exactly what had happened. But they'd still be gone.

So you've got to live in the here and now, because there's no use in worrying about death and consequences. There's no use in me worrying about what I would do if I came home one day to find our apartment ransacked and Matt crumpled on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

It does haunt me though. In my dreams. Nightmares. It is dark and cold and I can see my parents and Matt and they are bleeding and falling and dead. And then I am reminded that he is still here with me because I am awake and his arms are wrapped so tightly around that it is painful. I will cling to him, my nails scraping at his shoulders, because in that moment I _need_ him. I need to know he is there with me.

Yes, that's another thing I love about Matt. He is there with me when I need him. I guess that's why you say you are in love _with_ someone. Because you share it. I am with Matt and he is with me. I love him and he loves me. And we don't need to be anyone but ourselves. Our real and flawed and honest selves. There is no pretending and faking when it's the two of us. I'm not afraid to cry in front of Matt. I'm not afraid to laugh in front of Matt. I'm not afraid to let him see who I really am.

And he's himself too. His own lazy, witty, nerdy self. And yeah, I've said he acts like he couldn't care less most of the time. Which is true in many ways, because Matt is the only person who doesn't take all my crap. But he's not a machine at all. He's got the biggest, most fucking beautiful heart of anyone I know. Which is probably why he puts up with me and sticks by me like he does. Because he loves me just as much as I love him.

I look at him now. He's in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and looking out the window, cigarette clamped between his lips. He's wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, and I notice that they have space invaders on. What did I say? He's the biggest dork.

I walk over to him slowly. It is late morning and I have just woken up. I am naked and it is cold, but I really couldn't care less because I have something I want – need – to say.

And it's funny because I've known Matt for years but all of a sudden my stomach is clenching up and I have butterflies. As I get close to him he turns, tilts his head towards me and exhales a mouthful of smoke onto my face. I used to think it was disgusting and berate him for it, but now it's just something he does. I guess he sees it as a gesture of affection.

"Matt, I've been thinking," I say.

He can tell from my voice and my face and my body language that I am being serious. Stubbing his fag out on the ash tray next to him, he rests one hand on my hip, gently guiding me towards him until our chests are mere centimetres apart. I rest my forehead against his. This close up his eyes are nothing more than a green blur.

"I love you," I whisper.

A smile.

"No... I'm in love with you."

"And I'm in love with you."

It is my turn to smile.

"I've been thinking about what you mean to me," I tell him.

"That's pretty intense, princess."

A pause. It sounds like he's mocking me, but he's not.

"Did you ever hear that saying about red strings? That there are people in the world who you are connected to by a red string that will never break no matter where you go, no matter how much you tangle it up."

His hand drifts up my body until his fingers are touching the place where my heart is. I mirror the action.

"I love you so fucking much."

I try to force out everything I feel when I say it, willing him to understand exactly how much he is worth to me.

He kisses me gently. Our lips meet for no more than a few seconds. And though it is short I can feel how full of care and loyalty and compassion and love it is. It says everything.

"Mihael, you are my everything," he says. His voice is nothing more than a breath.

"I love you, Mail."

I really do.

* * *

Wow okay, so this is the first Death Note fic I've ever actually finished. I had an hour to kill at school so I decided to write something. My starting point was to write what Mello thought of Matt, and it just went from there. Then I went back and added to and edited it over the next few days.

Its kinda dumb but I actually feel really nervous about contributing something to one of my biggest fandoms for the first time. Normally I just lurk.

But anyways, it would be great if I could have some feedback. Thanks to everyone who read this!


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